Opening things I didn't want to open.

So as I get further into this book, the more I realize that this 'fear of man' goes a lot deeper than I thought I it did.

I had to open up 'books' that have been closed for years now. I had to bring up feelings that I didn't think I would have to deal with anymore.

I had to bring up feelings that I haven't dealt with in about 5 or 6 years.

I hate that my past is ruining where I am at right now. I'm not sure if 'ruining' is the right word. Maybe effecting is a better word. I can almost pinpoint where my fear of man came from. There is nothing I can do about the time has passed and how I have dealt with it the last 6 years but, thankfully, I can deal with it now.

I hate that I brought this into Jenna and I's relationship. That is on me, and no one but me.

This time I am taking to figure out what needs to change in my life is so much more than J and I. I need to figure these things out for me, and for my future wife, my future family, my future ministry. These things are for me.

That being said, right now it is hard to read through this book, think about things without immediately comparing it to our situation. So without further ado,

One thing I hated was when Jenna would tell me that I was like her dad. Because in so many ways, I am not. It honestly really hurt me when she would say those things to me. But as I really search my heart, I see that there are some ways I am like him.

I hate to admit this, but, I was dependent on J. WAY too dependent on her. My fear was losing her, my fear was that she wasn't happy with me, my fear was that she didn't feel for me the way I felt for her. I think inadvertently I manipulated her to make her give me things (love, kind words, time) that I felt I needed. I hate that I did this to her. The man that I am, hates who I have been.

I don't think we will be back together. I think I did too much damage, I think she did too much damage. It would take a lot for this relationship to be healed. But God is in control, always.

The important thing is that I am growing, I can honestly say at 10:29 am I look more like Christ than when I woke up this morning. And that, and only that, is keeping me going.