The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and the most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it. "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side neat the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things dont matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

moving.

i am moving to.....



http://timaaustin.tumblr.com/


come join me there. really.

Its gonna be wild, Its gonna be great, Its gonna be full of me

I have really benefited from hard things in my life lately. Music is such a part of who I am, It is an easy thing to run to when I don't know how to express myself. I feel like music can describe the way I am feeling when I cannot.

I have been listening to a lot more christian music lately. Not because I am guilted in to it, but because I have fallen back in love with my savior. And honestly it is all I want to listen to.

Jesus Culture has really ministering to me lately.

The song is called come away. It is clearly a song that has God speaking. It has been a huge encouragement to me. It would be easy for me to look at all of the stupid things I have done, all the lies I have told myself for years. But God is still there asking 'come away with me'. He has a plan for me. Its gonna wild, its gonna be great, but most of all, its going to be full of him.

Come away with me, come away.
It's never too late, it's never too late,
it's not too late for you.
I have a plan for you, I have a plan.
It's going to be wild,
it's going to be great,
it's going to be full of me

Open up your heart and let me in

Acts 15

Every week Don sends me his sermon to look over. This week he sent it to me and something really punched me in the mouth.

In Acts 15 the Jews and the Gentiles were fighting about how to be 'saved'. The jews were in one corner representing circumcision and the Gentiles were in the other corner representing Grace. For the record, if I had to choose it would be grace. They couldn't decided between themselves so they traveled to Jerusalem to have the decision made by a counsel there.

It was beneficial for me to read this passage in light of some of the thoughts that I have been thinking lately.

I have really been struggling through some thoughts of Religion (bad) vs Grace. I would have said, pretty much my whole life, that I believe that Salvation is obviously through grace. And I would still say that. But I think that as I have gotten away from more fundamental churches I realized that I live my life like my salvation is dependent on religion. I have a list of unspoken rules that I need to follow because I am a christian, I have a list of things that I can't do because I am a christian.

When In reality my love for Christ is what should determine what I do or don't do. As more time passes I am realizing how freeing this really is. I don't have a list of rules to do, I don't have a list of things I can't do. I have one goal, and that is to love Christ.

I am not saying I can go do whatever I want, when I want. I am saying that If I love Christ like I should be; If I am enamored with his beauty like he deserves to be, my actions will be in line with what is pleasing to him.

This has all been very challenging for me to get through, but man is it fun to see God hammer home something that he is trying to teach you. I have been getting this lesson from all fronts lately.

did I sign up for this?

This past weekend another Teen that I had a close relationship with, died.

I'll never forget walking into our cabin and seeing him asleep in my bed, just to annoy me.
I'll never forget getting into my bed that same night to realize he put a bunch of stuff under my mattress to make it all lumpy.
I'll never forget that he would never go to bed, unless I looked up baseball scores on my phone. (he loved the cubs)

But most of all, I wont forget the conversation we had at 2 am when he rededicated his life to God. He talked about wasting his life, and how he didn't want to do that anymore.

I got to see him live out what he decided that thursday night. I got to see him travel to Jamaica on a missions trip, I got to see him move to Arkansas, where he would ultimately die, to work with at risk youth.

I am proud of him. I am proud of the man he became. I am proud of the things he did for Christ.

But as I deal with a whole bunch of feelings, I realize that I have been called to a pretty special job while here on earth. If this means vocational ministry or not, I am called to work with youth.

I guess I didn't realize I would also have to deal with death. I thought maybe I would have to deal with the youth when their grandparents died, maybe when their parents died, but not when the YOUTH died. I never thought of that.

I am glad I got to play a role in David's life. I am glad he decided to live for God. There is nothing else living for.

Opening things I didn't want to open.

So as I get further into this book, the more I realize that this 'fear of man' goes a lot deeper than I thought I it did.

I had to open up 'books' that have been closed for years now. I had to bring up feelings that I didn't think I would have to deal with anymore.

I had to bring up feelings that I haven't dealt with in about 5 or 6 years.

I hate that my past is ruining where I am at right now. I'm not sure if 'ruining' is the right word. Maybe effecting is a better word. I can almost pinpoint where my fear of man came from. There is nothing I can do about the time has passed and how I have dealt with it the last 6 years but, thankfully, I can deal with it now.

I hate that I brought this into Jenna and I's relationship. That is on me, and no one but me.

This time I am taking to figure out what needs to change in my life is so much more than J and I. I need to figure these things out for me, and for my future wife, my future family, my future ministry. These things are for me.

That being said, right now it is hard to read through this book, think about things without immediately comparing it to our situation. So without further ado,

One thing I hated was when Jenna would tell me that I was like her dad. Because in so many ways, I am not. It honestly really hurt me when she would say those things to me. But as I really search my heart, I see that there are some ways I am like him.

I hate to admit this, but, I was dependent on J. WAY too dependent on her. My fear was losing her, my fear was that she wasn't happy with me, my fear was that she didn't feel for me the way I felt for her. I think inadvertently I manipulated her to make her give me things (love, kind words, time) that I felt I needed. I hate that I did this to her. The man that I am, hates who I have been.

I don't think we will be back together. I think I did too much damage, I think she did too much damage. It would take a lot for this relationship to be healed. But God is in control, always.

The important thing is that I am growing, I can honestly say at 10:29 am I look more like Christ than when I woke up this morning. And that, and only that, is keeping me going.

3rd post of the day, yikes.

In regards to other people, Our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them (for the glory of God). The task God sets for us is to need them less and love them more. Instead of looking for ways to manipulate others, we will ask God what our duty is toward them. This perspective does not come naturally to any of us, and many of us need to look at this truth from several angles before we can see it. But the conviction of this book is that this truth is another of Scripture's divine paradoxes - the path of service is the road to freedom.

This is an interesting excerpt from the book. I guess I need a little bit more unpackaged about 'loving them for the glory of God'. Not that I don't believe that it is true, but I just need it explained a little clearer.

My other question is what about someone not giving you the basics of a relationship? Hopefully I will figure these things out.