Opening things I didn't want to open.

So as I get further into this book, the more I realize that this 'fear of man' goes a lot deeper than I thought I it did.

I had to open up 'books' that have been closed for years now. I had to bring up feelings that I didn't think I would have to deal with anymore.

I had to bring up feelings that I haven't dealt with in about 5 or 6 years.

I hate that my past is ruining where I am at right now. I'm not sure if 'ruining' is the right word. Maybe effecting is a better word. I can almost pinpoint where my fear of man came from. There is nothing I can do about the time has passed and how I have dealt with it the last 6 years but, thankfully, I can deal with it now.

I hate that I brought this into Jenna and I's relationship. That is on me, and no one but me.

This time I am taking to figure out what needs to change in my life is so much more than J and I. I need to figure these things out for me, and for my future wife, my future family, my future ministry. These things are for me.

That being said, right now it is hard to read through this book, think about things without immediately comparing it to our situation. So without further ado,

One thing I hated was when Jenna would tell me that I was like her dad. Because in so many ways, I am not. It honestly really hurt me when she would say those things to me. But as I really search my heart, I see that there are some ways I am like him.

I hate to admit this, but, I was dependent on J. WAY too dependent on her. My fear was losing her, my fear was that she wasn't happy with me, my fear was that she didn't feel for me the way I felt for her. I think inadvertently I manipulated her to make her give me things (love, kind words, time) that I felt I needed. I hate that I did this to her. The man that I am, hates who I have been.

I don't think we will be back together. I think I did too much damage, I think she did too much damage. It would take a lot for this relationship to be healed. But God is in control, always.

The important thing is that I am growing, I can honestly say at 10:29 am I look more like Christ than when I woke up this morning. And that, and only that, is keeping me going.

3rd post of the day, yikes.

In regards to other people, Our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them (for the glory of God). The task God sets for us is to need them less and love them more. Instead of looking for ways to manipulate others, we will ask God what our duty is toward them. This perspective does not come naturally to any of us, and many of us need to look at this truth from several angles before we can see it. But the conviction of this book is that this truth is another of Scripture's divine paradoxes - the path of service is the road to freedom.

This is an interesting excerpt from the book. I guess I need a little bit more unpackaged about 'loving them for the glory of God'. Not that I don't believe that it is true, but I just need it explained a little clearer.

My other question is what about someone not giving you the basics of a relationship? Hopefully I will figure these things out.

I may be showing my hand...

So I just started the book, and it took 13 pages before I knew that this book would help.

The author writing,

Marriage has been a privilege and a blessing to me. It has also been the context for a surprising discovery. I found that being okay in Christ was not quite enough for me. When I was first married, I knew that Jesus loved me, but I also wanted my new wife to be absolutely, forever smitten with me. I needed love from her. I could finally handle small amounts of rejection from other people, but I felt paralyzed if I didn't have the love I needed from her. I needed unconditional love. If she didn't think I was a great husband, I would be crushed.

This led to a second awakening. I suddenly realized that I had mutated into a walking love tank, a person who was empty inside and looking for a person to fill me. My bride was, indeed, gifted in being able to love, but no one could have possibly filled me. I think that I was a love tank with a leak. I tried old biblical answers that had worked before my marriage, but they were of no use. They didn't go far enough. In fact, they became almost irrelevant. They reminded me of times when, after I'd been politely dumped by a girl, my parents would try to cheer me up with "we love you no matter what." I always appreciated their attempt, but, as all parents and children know, it didn't help. Sure, it was nice that my parents loved me, and it would have been much worse if they did not love me, but I wanted somebody else to love me too.

That last paragraph is me, through and through. I'm sure that God is going to use this book in my life to change me to look more like his son. And I won't settle for anything less.

When People are Big, and God is Small.

When people ask how I am doing its hard to answer. I don't know how I am doing. Will I survive? sure. Do I love what I am going through? no. Am I trying to learn as much as I can so I do not waste this hurt? absolutely.

Because I am trying to not waste this hurt, today I am starting a new book. A book recommended to me by someone who I love and respect. The book is titled 'When People are Big, and God is Small'. I can see how my fear of people has lead to me acting/not acting a certain way. I am not sure if this book will help, but right now I am trying anything to make this hurt/pain go away. I know this book, no matter how magical, will make my pain go away. But, if I can learn from this, and make the pain worth it. That will help.

I hate not talking to the one person and only person I want to.

Break up songs.

I am not going to argue that they don't, at times, help you cope with the situation.

But some bands play JUST break up songs. How depressing. The band I have been listening to, actually had someone commit suicide at their concert. Yikes.

Ordered a couple books today to help me not waste the deep deep pain I am going through. I am excited to read them. I want to learn, I want to not waste this pain, but most of all, I want to look like Christ.

Even if that means I am alone here on earth.

She Says - Jon Foreman

To me, I want this to be more about my thoughts than really something I want to run out and show people.

God has been doing some hard things in my life lately. God has taken away something I love very much. I think there are plenty of reasons why He did this. As more time goes on, I realize more and more reasons why this was taken from me. I hope that my next couple of posts can explain some of those reasons.

I am ashamed on how I have handled most of this situation. I think I came across as putting all of the blame, or most of the blame on her. I have done some serious soul searching, and I have talked to those close to me and have realized that I am a lot of the problem. She said things that I told her were not true, only to find out in the past couple days that maybe they were. That really hurts to admit. I will go into some of these things later. For me I need to get all of my thoughts down so that I can process them.

People have been asking how I am doing. And once again, the answer has been put to music. Thank you Jon Foreman.

Looking for reasons
To believe instead of doubt
A way in instead of out
There’s got to be a reason

Looking for answers
For the hatred and pain
When they both start to feel the same
There’s got to be a reason

Only one breath at a time, she says
All my tears are falling on the floor, she says
I’ve never felt it rain like this before, she says
I’ll sing these black eyed blues into the storm instead
I’ll be waiting for the new eyes to arrive
One breath at a time

Kings and queens and little dreams
Are stuck inside these nightmares sometimes, sometimes
And the fairy tales we play
Seem so far away from where she was tonight
Sometimes

I hear her talking to herself in bed
All my tears are falling on the floor, she says
I’ve never felt it rain like this before, she says
I’ll sing these black eyed blues into the storm instead
I’ll be waiting for the new eyes to arrive
One breath at a time

Oh, one breath at a time
Oh, one breath at a time
Oh, one breath at a time

Oh, and I’m holding on to you
And I won’t let go
The world is torn in two
But I won’t let go
You’re the only thing that’s true
In this whole world of black eyed blues
And disillusioned points of view
When the pain feels like a knife, she says
I’m not giving up tonight, she says

Oh, she says
Oh, she says
I’ll be waiting for the new eyes to arrive, she says
She says
Oh, she says
Oh, she says
Oh, she says
I’ll be waiting for the new eyes to arrive

making old things new...

I have had this for a long time, haven't written in it for a while.

God is teaching me alot, and I am planning on starting to write in it to be able to get my thoughts down. Not so much for anyone else, but for me.